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Let’s face it: English is a crazy language.

There’s no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger,
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in
England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while
sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet,
are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
That quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers
don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth
beeth? One goose, two geese. So, one
moose, two meese? One index, two
indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t
preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at
a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell
One day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns
down. You fill in a form by filling it
out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are
Visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I
wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my
English. It’s not my fault; the silly
language doesn’t quite know
Whether it’s coming or going
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